The most wonderful time of the year.

Things have been {for the most part} quite cheery around here.  I have had a stress headache for the last 4 days, but that is my own fault.  Betsy has been peeing on the potty at home A LOT!  Yippee!

Cookies are almost all baked, Harry Potter is on the tele.  Breakfast casseroles for tomorrow morning are up next. 

Sadly, my mom is sick, and probably won't be celebrating tidings of joy with us tomorrow, and maybe not even on Christmas day.  Which sucks, but what can you do?  When you're sick, you're sick.  Oh, and our washing machine is broken, and the part won't be in until next week. 

So, my sick mom has been doing my laundry.  I'm not sure what the hell she's thinking, but sometimes you just don't argue with your sick mother. 

Since this post has, sadly, taken a negative turn, I will also tell you I don't have any present wrapped, and still 3 more things to pick up tonight with all the crazies that will be out. 

We have made time for some Steak-n-Shake Happy Hour.  Which, I'll have to say, is better than Sonic's.  I will argue to the death about that with anyone, anytime, anywhere. 

I'm also ticked that I cropped the above photo the way I did.  I hardly ever crop, and I'm not sure why I did on this photo, but it was such a wonderful shot of my oldest's Lloyd Christmas hair.  The kid is almost 11, and really needs to start styling it.  Otherwise...Lloyd. 

In more uplifting news, the teacher gifts were a hit.

So, you see?  Things have actually been quite pleasant here as of late. 

Perspective, people.

And, finally, to bring this post about nothing to a close...
a big welcome to all the newest followers who found me via Young House Love.

I submitted our kitchen project awhile back, and was pleasantly surprised to see our remodel was featured on their blog-diggity yesterday HERE.  I have been enjoying all of the comments and questions.  Keep them coming.

I am also humbled at some of the wonderful emails I've been receiving about sharing Betsy's story.  If what our family has been through touches any one person, and makes them feel less alone, then this blog has accomplished just what I intended it do when it all started over 3 years ago. 

Thank you, thank you!

Thoughts...

**I wrote this on November 19th.  I wasn't going to publish it.  I've decided that I should.  I am leaving all the typos and spelling mistakes because I was in a fragile state of mind when I wrote it.  I think it should remain just as it is.  I am sure some think I whine too much, but I think it's important to know that tragedy to one person isn't necessarily tragedy to another.  My world has been forever changed, and I'm not sure I will ever get over it.  I try everyday.  It gets easier and easier everyday, but it is always there.  A little black spot on my heart.  The spot where I have laid to rest my idea of what I thought all of my childrens' lives would be like.  Every hope and dream I initially had for Betsy has been buried there, and in it's spot I have planted new hopes and dreams.  Different ones.  It is a learning process.  One step forward, two steps back.  Certain things trigger my mourning to surface all over again, and I quietly push those feeling back into their grave and dust myself off, and carry on.  Yes, I am selfish in that sadness.  I can admit that.  In those moments, I have to remind myself my sadness is pity for myself and the way I thought things would be, or should be.  I definitely have other worries and sadness when I think of what Betsy's future will hold.  Jake and I cannot be there for her forever, but my darkest times are when I let the evil of self-pity grip my broken heart.  Pray for me.  Pray for sweet, sweet Betsy.  And always remember...EVERYONE has a cross to bear.  No one is immune from that.**

So, I've been watching 'American Horror Story'.

Not much to report. I guess I'm still waiting for it to get as scary as everyone says it is.

But, that's not really what this post is about.

There is a character in the show named, Addi. She is an awesome person living with Down's Syndrome.

Jessica Lange plays her kind-of-psychotic-but-has-good-intentions mother. And she plays the role well.

In one of the episodes, she's upset with Addi. She asks her if she knows what people think when they see the two of them walk down the street together. She goes on to tell her that they think two things:

1. That they feel lucky they're not either of them.
2. That she {Jessica Lange} must be a hero.

I watched this episode in one of those rare, rare, rare instances that I was home alone, and I cried.

Like a baby.

I wondered if that's what people think when they see my Betsy and me.

Grateful, and full of pity.

I am no hero.

Jessica Lange's character goes onto to say, "As if I had a choice.".

I didn't. Most mothers's do not.

Oh, well, I'm sure some think there is a choice.

But to the ones that are in it, really in it...they don't.

I had a choice in making her, but not how she turned out. Not how God thought she would be most perfect.

My, how long it's taken me to realize that she is just as she should be. Perfect in every way.

My perfect little girl.

We speak a perfect language only we understand.

She walks a perfect way that only I know when she'll fall.

She loves me so perfectly, sometimes I think I might burst from it.

One day, even she'll want to leave. She'll want to spread her wings in her perfect Betsy way. And, I will have to let her go.

And it will hurt.

More than with the other 3.

And the thing is, they'll understand why it will be harder.

Those other 3 are my hero. They know so much more than the average kid their age. And they didn't have a choice either. But I'm thankful. Thankful they know that kind of love, tolerance, empathy.

They let me love her the way I need to, and they get it. Even at their tender age. They know without being told why. Sure, they will resent me, or Betsy one day, for something, at some point for having to be so patient, and lenient. But it will be fleeting.

After 7 long years, I think I'm starting to get it. Why Betsy is all mine.

And the answere is simple...because she is supposed to be.

That's it.

Whatever I learn from it, no matter what I decide to so with those lessons, it's just 'to be'.

It's exactly what I needed exactly right now.

Maybe that doesn't make sense to anyone but me.

And that's okay.

Maybe it shouldn't make sense to anyone but me.

And her perfection is what I will always need right at that very moment

That time of year.

Well, it's that time of year.  The time of year that I costantly feel stressed, anxious, spread too thin.

Once New Year's rolls around, I can breathe easy.

It's the holidays and everything that goes along with it {baking, parties, gift buying}, the financial aspect of the holidays and never wanting to spend what we don't have which means getting creative, which means making my head hurt, all of the school obligations, the cold/bad weather starts {which I actually love, but it adds 20 minutes onto the commute anywhere making sure 4 kids are bundled}, and all of the unexpected things that you just don't plan on happening because, let's face it, they always seem to happen in force at this time of year. {This is my finest run-on sentance to date.}

Every year, I vow to slow down, say no, enjoy the time spent with family and friends that we don't get to see that often. But every year, I fail miserably. 

Is there some magic spell I should know?  A part of the equation I'm missing?

The real tragedy is, I have so much to enjoy.  So much to be grateful for.  The obvious: husband, kids, health, home, clothes, food, a general want for nothing.  But there is also the not so obvious: a thriving start up business, a husband who has been sober for 6 1/2 months, people who appreciate my gifts of which I love to share, the realized joy of having a child with special needs, the acceptance of who I am and being comfortable in this skin.

So, I have to ask myself, what gives? 

I am alone in this struggle?

I find it so hard to be in the moment from Halloween to Christmas.  And there are so many fantastic moments to find yourself in during these months. 

What do you do to slow down, enjoy, relax?

PLEASE TELL ME! 

Please?

You could potentially save me from certain doom. 

FYI...

This parenting gig is hard.  Really hard.  That is all.

Blog-worthy...

If I was blogging only for my close friends and family, I'd have a million stupid, what-can-seem-mundane stories to tell and photos to show.  I choose not to bore too many of you, and for that, I haven't posted any good meat, lately.  I apologize.

I've been too busy with it being summer to even think of note worthy things to write about.  Sometimes, I like being too busy doing nothing.  You know what I mean?

I am happy to report some good things have been happening in Betsy's life, and we will be getting her a 'big kid' stroller very soon.  This is something we've wanted for ages, but they are VERY pricey.

I am over-the-moon excited.  We are going on a trip to Chi-town over Labor Day Weekend, and I think it will be invaluable to everyone's experience.  She gets tired fast.

So, in a nutshell...we've been sick-busy doing nothing, but the pool, golf, baseball, summer school for Bets, and being hot.  Oh, and eating a ton of sno-cones {thank goodness they finally got some more pomegranate flavor...I was almost ready  to go postal}.

I do have a post coming up about a touchy subject for myself...the current state in some countries of how they manage/deal/view children with special needs, and the difficulty associated in adopting them.  Sad stuff.  Get your tissues ready...

Here's to the littles {and not so little anymore} that make us moms.

Without them our name wouldn't be 'Mom'.  Hope every momma had a fantastic day yesterday!


**all photos by yours truly**

Pick up the pace.

The other day, whilst in Hobby Lobby with all 4 of my brood, I noticed Betsy was purposely walking slow and scuffling along to get us all to laugh.  Normally, this would have made us all laugh, but I was on a mission.  To get in and get out.  At the rate she was walking it could have taken the better part of the evening to get my 1/8 yard of fabric and 1 piece of 12x12 scrapbook paper.  Hey, if it were 1972 and legal, I probably would have left them all in the car that's how fast this stop would've been. {And, no, I don't feel bad for saying that.}

I was trying to not let my frustration show.  With Betsy, that only makes things worse.  {Normally, she shuts down and lays on the ground wherever she may be.  She weighs 75 lbs. and has low muscle tone, so you can imagine how difficult it can be.}  The other 3 could feel me about to boil over, I suppose.  Enter Pete.

He put his arm around her and turned it into a sort of game to get her to pick up the pace.  It worked.  Jake picked up on what he was trying to do, and helped in the 'game'.  Rosie loved it, too. Not only did it work, it instantly broke the tension.  We giggled and skipped through the store, and in 15 minutes {still longer than if I'd left them in the car}, we were on our way home with 1/8 yard of fabric, 1 12x12 piece of scrapbook paper, AND Skittles for all.

It is difficult to express how a situation like this one {which happens almost every day in some shape or form} makes me feel.  My normal reaction is sadness.  In many forms.  Sad for her that she doesn't understand typical social cues or that she isn't a typical kid, sad for myself because, at times, I show that I'm only human and wonder why this happened to me, why God chose me to raise a girl like her, sad for my other kids that they will not have a childhood like most children.  And then, after having a pity party, I get slapped in the face with guilt.  Guilt for feeling so ridiculous on all accounts.

We are lucky.  For many reasons, but concerning this situation, blessed beyond belief.  Some of you may not see the blessings in this story.  So, I will explain...

We are blessed, blessed, blessed to have Betsy.  Just to have her is the biggest blessing of all.  Sure my children may have more responsibility than the average bear.  It's not intentional.  We have all evolved because Betsy is in our lives.  The boys have stepped in for her so many times, when I simply cannot {think she's having a meltdown, needs a glass of water, and I have raw chicken juice up to my elbows}.   It's not like an older sibling helping a toddler: she's almost 7, she isn't potty trained {no, they have never changed her diaper or will ever be expected to}, she doesn't speak, she is extremely strong, she doesn't walk so great, she can reach things most 3-year-olds cannot, she develops much slower than a toddler, and the truth is, she may never be independent.  The list goes on and on.  And just like myself, they have learned how to 'handle' tough situations involving her by knowing what calms her down amongst other things.  They have been scratched until bleeding, taken down to the floor, squeezed, pushed, BUT they have also been hugged, tickled, laughed until they've fallen on the floor, kissed so hard it hurts.  All from that 75 lb. sister of theirs.  Their sister has made them, in a sense, blind to differences.  The notion that different IS normal.  I couldn't think of a better way to teach that lesson than with those 75 lbs.

I anticipate a time where they will resent her and me.  Possibly, go through what I hope will be a phase of rebellion when it comes to helping out with her.  And, I know it will be okay.  I wouldn't expect anything else from a hormonal, self-involved, teenager.  {My mom has said that God plucks the souls of teenagers, and gives them back when we become adults.  It's a joke, but with an ounce of truth, I think.}  At the end of the day, they will come to understand what a true beacon of light their sister is in their lives.  How just by her being there they have learned acceptance and empathy beyond what a typical kid or adult will ever know, and how they have the unique opportunity to share that lesson with others.

I will leave you with a final story...

Several weeks ago, we were all piled in our bed on a rainy Sunday afternoon.  I asked Lil' Jake if Betsy could live with his wife and him when he gets older and is married.  Very matter of factly, he told me that it would be okay with him, but he'd have to make sure it was okay with his future wife.  I thought that was a very diplomatic answer.  I know better than anyone what an undertaking it would be to take on full-time care of Miss Betsy Jane.  I assured him that was a great answer.  Pete had a different approach.  Emphatically, he said yes.  I asked him what he would do if his wife didn't want her to live with them full-time.  He said, simply, "I would tell her that Betsy lives with us, or you're out!".

His sister aside, I think Pete has a few things to learn about the ladies.

**Let me add, I would NEVER leave my babies in a car.  So, if you're new around here, and haven't gotten a handle on my sense of humor...know that.

A girl and her dog.

Betsy and Chopper have had it 'going on' since she was a baby.  I can't pinpoint why they seem to be so connected.  However, their bond is evidence of the power of canines in one's well being.  I'm not suggesting our lil' schnauzer has healed her in any way, but his presence has always lifted her spirits.  

Keeping the two of them apart is almost as hard as keeping clothes on Betsy Jane.  Or keeping a ponytail in her crazy hair.  I have admitted defeat on both accounts.  Don't judge.

Do you have a special little woofer in your life?  I would love to hear about him or her.  Especially names...

Eh...?

I'm not sure why, but this is what 

Rosie is walking around the house

saying this morning...

"Let's hear it for Quebec!"

So, why not?

Let's hear it for Quebec!

Hip-hip-hooray!

Hip-hip-hooray!

Hip-hip-hooray!

Go Quebec!

Sometimes you need a nap...

"There was never a child so lovely,

but his mother was glad to get him to sleep."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Things making me smile today.

 My 'new-to-me' espresso/cappuccino maker.

It is boss!

{Don't you love when friends clean house?}

Is it bad that I've already had a total of 4 shots?

I need to stop.

But, damn, it's good!

Late risers {it's spring break, wrapped in blankets, eating chocolate donuts.

You know...the kind full of artificial colors and loads of chemicals?

Big Poppa knows what we like!

Spring Break is full of treats like that.

'Quality' computer usage.  Roblox is quality, right?

The kids don't get Wii, IPods, or computers during the weekdays.

Spring Break is always an exception in these parts.

They are taking every advantage.

Crazy curls, baby blues, and sticky donut faces.

This was taken 1 hour after she had a donut.

That's how we roll.

It is now wiped off, AND she has clothes on.

I'm not a total wash as a mother.

Freshly painted nails on 4-year-olds.

I am not a nail person.

Poor little thing had to beg me for a day to get some pink polish on those digits.

She is elated.

It really is the small things.

Miracles and tiny set backs.

First off, let me say congrats to my cousin Melissa and her husband Josh on the birth of their beautiful baby girl, Nellie Rose.  She is pink and perfect, and much anticipated by many, many people.  I, for one, am completely smitten.  {I have photos to share from the shower, belly, and baby.}

Next up, I just want to say it's been a tough few days.  The kids all got over strep a couple of weeks ago, and Saturday night the pukes started.  Even the Big Guy.  Now, I feel completely nauseous.  Great.

I am definitely a fall and winter kind of girl, but this is insane.  We couldn't even enjoy the unseasonably warm temps because of the sickies.  That park across the street seems to be laughing at us at this point.

Hopefully, I'll be back in action soon!

for the love...

via pinterest

via thirty-something drama queen

I know it's an overly commercialized holiday, but I think it's sweet.

Not so much the candlelight, fine wine, & roses angle

{unnecessary pressure on a relationship},

but for the crafts, the colors, the sweet little things you can do for the loves in your life.

You should let them know everyday how you feel,

but on this day you can do a little something extra.

A note, a cut-out heart, a homemade cookie, a bear hug.

It's even more fun when you do something anonymous.

I hope you enjoy this day as much as we do.

I mean who needs roses when you have your very own ROSIE?

She happily obliged me on a lunch date to Panera,

or as we say in the Lou, St.Louis Bread Co.

{After all, it originated right here.}

Happy Valentines Day!

100th day.

It was Betsy's 100th day of school today. I'm not sure it really was with all the snow days, but who cares, right?

She got to wear the Grebe '100th day' sweatshirt lil' Jake and I made 5 years ago for his 100th day celebration.  Then, Pete wore it in 2009.  Now, it's Betsy's turn.

I love the fact that they have all worn it.  I love the fact that some of the paint is pealing off.  I love the fact that I have had to reglue eyes back on it for the last 2 wearings. I love the fact that in two more years, it's Rosie's turn.  I just love all of it.

She is going to have a great day!

Now, if only I could figure out what to do with that hair.

Stars & Sinks.

Betsy is "Star of the Week" this week at school.

It requires a poster, among other things.
Including: 5 show & tell items, a favorite snack to share, and a Q & A interview sheet.

After having to make many "Star of the Week" posters,

I have grown weary.

Plus, I like to wait until the absolute last minute.

That way, the pressure is so freakin' great that only my best ideas blossom.
Except this time.

Good thing I know Julie.

What are the chances that she was in the same pickle as I?

On Friday, I saw THIS.

My creativity issues were solved.

By someone else, but solved nonetheless.

Rest assured, you can do this without a MAC.

I am a PC girl, and did it pretty easily in a combo of Photoshop & Picasa.
I used photos from 2009 & 2010 taken by Laura Siebert and Brenda Shelton.
Both sites feature a photo or two that I am quite partial to.
Wink, wink.

I like the free fonts from HERE, too, in case, you're interested.

Then, I sent it off to Costco for some cheap {but good} 1-hour processing.

Now, she probably won't even get to use it.

We are going to have a snow apocalypse here beginning later today.

They say it will be worse than the "Snow Event" of 1982.

Yipee! {said tongue in cheek}

I can handle it, as long as the electricity does not go out. 

Food is stocked, sleds are greased up, but electricity is not negotiable.

I've had many of you email me or comment on the kitchen post about our faucet.

It is from Lowe's.

The brand is AquaSource.

I will admit being a little leery about buying an 'off-brand'.

But, this faucet is the real deal.

It's really heavy & substantial stainless steel.

It was easy to install, and we've had no problems with it.

It has an optional deck plate if you have a drop-in, over mount sink.

It also comes with a soap dispenser.

FYI...

if you live near a Lowe's it is cheaper to buy it in the store than on-line.

Hope that answered your questions!

sick.

This is the most pathetic sight I've ever seen.  

She is a very sad, sick little.

Hope you have a better weekend

than Miss Betsy will be having!

A Helping Hand.

Betsy tickled pink about her bowling success or laughing at my 'Bat Cape'.  One or the other.

Recently, Betsy bowled in a local Special Olympics event.  She got to use this fancy-fangled contraption at the smelly bowling alley to help give her ball the momentum it needed to get down the lane.  Since then, bowling has become a favorite activity of hers, and luckily, ever since St.Louis County passed the "Smoke-Free" legislation, the lanes are much more enjoyable.

It got me thinking that we could all use a thing-a-ma-jig to help give us momentum.  To get our figurative ball rolling.  For me, it's my husband, my sister, my mom, my friends.  Even music, or my camera, or a good book, or a long run.

I prefer an honest, good hearted shove in the right direction.  But, I've learned, sometimes you have to ask for it. People aren't mind readers.  But, boy, oh boy, sometimes I wish they were.

I'm not sure why I wrote this, but I'm bored.  The snow continues here, as it is everywhere.  49 out of the 50 states have seen it in some form or another. I love winter, but I'm cold to my bones, and for the first time in forever, I'm ready for spring in January.

I need a vacation.

Do you?

I have been {hearted}, and some BOO!

I'm guesting over at 'Joy's Hope' today.

{HOORAY!}  

Check it out here.

I hope your Halloween was

spooktacular!

If your little chickens had

half as much fun as mine,

I would say it was a success.

BOO!

Mad Hatter.

photo by Laura Siebert

I recently read some stuff someone wrote about being a mom.  It struck me in a weird way.  Mostly because it seemed to me that this person was placing their importance in life on being a mother.  That somehow in some cosmic phenomenon their 'being' started the day they became a mom.  They said they remember and savor every moment.

What?  Whaaaaaaaaaat?

This is puzzling to me.  For many reasons.  One of which is the fact that I was just as much a person before I became a mother as I will be the day they all leave.  News flash:  they DO leave.  The day will dawn that they no longer need you, or, heartbreaking still, want you.  And, I don't know about all of you, but I forget all kinds of stuff.  Honestly, if I didn't take as many photos as I do, I would look back on the last 10 years as one big blur.  I've always said that Pete's first 3 years of life, I had amnesia or something.  Poor dude!

I wear many hats in life.  Mothering is just one.  Right now, it's a big one.  Probably the biggest.  At times it consumes me.  I'm not sure if that's bad or good.  Yet.

I am also lots of other things.  Wife, daughter, sister, friend, artist, writer, music lover, traveler, dancer, baker, chef, control freak, photographer, teacher, runner, movie critic, book addict.  Some of those things are on hold for awhile, but will eventually reenter my life.  And in the time until then, they still need to be nurtured, nudged at times. I refuse to let my identity become strictly, 'mom'.

Becuase one day {sooner than later}, even though I'll always be a mom, they won't need me smothering them; cooking & cleaning for them, volunteering at school for them, driving them around, making snacks for baseball games, taking them clothes shopping, tying their shoes, wiping their noses, clipping their nails.  So, then what.

Can you say IDENTITY CRISIS?

Guilt for awakening our other roles in life is a waste of time.  Maintain a balance in things, no over indulgence.  My kids always come first, but I make room for the other stuff from time to time.  I don't love my kids any less than a super mom.  Trust me.

I was made to be a mother, no doubt about it, but I was also made to be LOTS of other things, not quite as important.  God made us dynamic creatures.  For a reason.  All those other things that I am make me an even better mother, too.  I'm able to pass things I know and love onto my children.  More importantly, I can teach them through example that you don't have to pigeon hole yourselves into one role in life.

Amazing, isn't it?

I'm going to be honest: my life is my own.  I don't want it to become 'them'.  I do not want to live through them.  My role is to help them along the way, nurture them, teach them, care for them, love them.  Equally, I don't wish their lives to be dictated by mine.  I want them to make their own mistakes, decisions, have their own triumphs, their own interests.  The line is fine, I know, but I try.

Our best is all we can do, no matter what hat we are wearing.  Then, we have to hope it's good enough.

Yikes!

Life {from an iPhone}

A poof from HomeGoods that I didn't NEED,

but couldn't leave the store without.

You can't tell just how delicious the turquoise and red are

in this photo.

Which is a real shame!

Because it is super tasty.

Our new house is across the street from a fantastic little park.

I'm blessed enough to use my legs to drag my rotund buttocks for a run

on the trails it offers almost daily.

It is breathtaking right now.

Fall is God's gift to us after the insufferable heat of summer.

Beauty.

We love our school.

Even though, we might {MIGHT} have to switch next year.

This is a photo of the littles at the fall fun fair.

Ahhhh, Sappington Elementary...I regret if we have to part ways.

What a special place!

A small painting commissioned by my sister.

Turned out pretty good.

Better than I expected, anyway.

I may have to paint a larger one for the new digs over here.

Let's get real...

McDonald's is just too easy.

Sure the meat has ground up eyeballs, teeth, and bones in it.

Your point?

But, seriously, 

it's so GROSS.

Why do I give in?

Not often, but I do.

Eyeball meat for them, and Diet Dr.Pepper for me.  

Both toxic poison.

Where is my will power?

I suppose I don't have any.

Wah, wah.