Thoughts...

**I wrote this on November 19th.  I wasn't going to publish it.  I've decided that I should.  I am leaving all the typos and spelling mistakes because I was in a fragile state of mind when I wrote it.  I think it should remain just as it is.  I am sure some think I whine too much, but I think it's important to know that tragedy to one person isn't necessarily tragedy to another.  My world has been forever changed, and I'm not sure I will ever get over it.  I try everyday.  It gets easier and easier everyday, but it is always there.  A little black spot on my heart.  The spot where I have laid to rest my idea of what I thought all of my childrens' lives would be like.  Every hope and dream I initially had for Betsy has been buried there, and in it's spot I have planted new hopes and dreams.  Different ones.  It is a learning process.  One step forward, two steps back.  Certain things trigger my mourning to surface all over again, and I quietly push those feeling back into their grave and dust myself off, and carry on.  Yes, I am selfish in that sadness.  I can admit that.  In those moments, I have to remind myself my sadness is pity for myself and the way I thought things would be, or should be.  I definitely have other worries and sadness when I think of what Betsy's future will hold.  Jake and I cannot be there for her forever, but my darkest times are when I let the evil of self-pity grip my broken heart.  Pray for me.  Pray for sweet, sweet Betsy.  And always remember...EVERYONE has a cross to bear.  No one is immune from that.**

So, I've been watching 'American Horror Story'.

Not much to report. I guess I'm still waiting for it to get as scary as everyone says it is.

But, that's not really what this post is about.

There is a character in the show named, Addi. She is an awesome person living with Down's Syndrome.

Jessica Lange plays her kind-of-psychotic-but-has-good-intentions mother. And she plays the role well.

In one of the episodes, she's upset with Addi. She asks her if she knows what people think when they see the two of them walk down the street together. She goes on to tell her that they think two things:

1. That they feel lucky they're not either of them.
2. That she {Jessica Lange} must be a hero.

I watched this episode in one of those rare, rare, rare instances that I was home alone, and I cried.

Like a baby.

I wondered if that's what people think when they see my Betsy and me.

Grateful, and full of pity.

I am no hero.

Jessica Lange's character goes onto to say, "As if I had a choice.".

I didn't. Most mothers's do not.

Oh, well, I'm sure some think there is a choice.

But to the ones that are in it, really in it...they don't.

I had a choice in making her, but not how she turned out. Not how God thought she would be most perfect.

My, how long it's taken me to realize that she is just as she should be. Perfect in every way.

My perfect little girl.

We speak a perfect language only we understand.

She walks a perfect way that only I know when she'll fall.

She loves me so perfectly, sometimes I think I might burst from it.

One day, even she'll want to leave. She'll want to spread her wings in her perfect Betsy way. And, I will have to let her go.

And it will hurt.

More than with the other 3.

And the thing is, they'll understand why it will be harder.

Those other 3 are my hero. They know so much more than the average kid their age. And they didn't have a choice either. But I'm thankful. Thankful they know that kind of love, tolerance, empathy.

They let me love her the way I need to, and they get it. Even at their tender age. They know without being told why. Sure, they will resent me, or Betsy one day, for something, at some point for having to be so patient, and lenient. But it will be fleeting.

After 7 long years, I think I'm starting to get it. Why Betsy is all mine.

And the answere is simple...because she is supposed to be.

That's it.

Whatever I learn from it, no matter what I decide to so with those lessons, it's just 'to be'.

It's exactly what I needed exactly right now.

Maybe that doesn't make sense to anyone but me.

And that's okay.

Maybe it shouldn't make sense to anyone but me.

And her perfection is what I will always need right at that very moment