True to my word.

I'm starting to think that people have a HUGE misconception about me and what my house looks like on a daily basis.

I had promised awhile back to dispell those non-truths.  I have delayed this post as long as I could.  Mostly because I don't want anyone to think I'm a mess. 

If my house looks a mess at any given moment, what must my insides look like? 

To honestly answer that question, sometimes my insides are a mess.  Even with all the healing that's occurred on my heart the last couple of years, I still have dark days.  Bad times. 

Don't we all?

 So, here you go.  This is what my house looks like most days. 

A mess.

Sometimes I feel like the messier it is, the happier I am.  The more I've learned to let go of stupid hang ups.  Keeping your house perfect all the time is a source of GREAT stress and anxiety.  It's a full time job of worry and psychoticness.  Trust me when I tell you that.  I've lived that life.

Cleaning the house to tip top shop 3+ times a week for 3 years so that Betsy's home therapists didn't think I was a failure when they came over to work with her was hell.  Because somehow having a clean and tidy house made me have it all together. 

Back then, I didn't.  Not even by a mile.

But, I wanted so badly to control the things that I could because the rest of my life seemed to be spiraling so desperately out of control.  It was a hopeless feeling.  At the time, I thought my cute, clean house was all I had.  I was blind then.  By grief, by sadness, by hopelessness, by desperation, by whatever you want to call it, but blind.

I still have work to do.  Lots.  I know this because you have no idea how badly I want to make a million and three excuses as to why it looks like this.  Which really isn't that bad considering most of the mess is pillows, clothes that need to be put down the laundry shoot, and dirty dishes in the sink, and let's face it my toliets are freshly bleached and tubs scoured out, but for me this is a disaster. 

I want to scream at the top of my lungs to the internets that this is right after getting the kids on the bus.  That this is right before I start to do my morning tidy-up routine.  That I am editing photos like a mad woman {tis the season}, and haven't been staying current on my housework.  That it's get my work done and feed the kids, or have spotless floors.  That it NEVER looks this bad.  That I plan on cleaning tomorrow when the kids DON'T have a half day of school to interrupt the progress. 

But, those are all just excuses.

See? That's what I do.  I am always trying to make excuses for things like this, so you don't think my house is, heaven forbid, messy sometimes. 

**GASP!**

I mean, what would that say about me as a person?

Would you like me less?

Would you like me more?

Would I like myself less?  More? 

It's territory I don't really want to explore, but I'm going to.

So go ahead and judge away.

I am human. 

I have four kids.

Wait a minute, are those just more excuses?

As much as I would like to, I canNOT control everything.

A lesson driven home by the birth of a baby girl that would change everything I thought I knew about life.  Thank you, Miss Betsy Jane.

Random fact about me...I HATE a closet that is left open.  HATE, HATE, HATE.  Always have for as long as I have memories. 

Hey, at least Pete made his bed this morning.  That's progress.

Someday, I'll let you see our laundry/storage area.  For now, I'm not that brave.