Doubt.

image via Brave Girls Club

{If you aren't reading that blog, you need to be.}

So, after all of my theological questions and my being hopelessly misunderstood by some of you, I've decided that I really don't need to explain myself.  Either you appreciate me for what I write {even if you don't understand it} or you don't.

I know my heart.  I know it is full of goodness, and even a bit of evil that lurks in dark corners, hopefully, never roused out of its hibernation.  I know my intentions, and my blunders.  I know that there is a plan for me and my life, and no one needs to give me their stamp of approval.  

If you've stuck around this long, I'm thinking you want to see what I have to say and share next, either out of a fondness or a pure distaste.  In the scheme of things, it really makes no difference either way.  I will continue to exist, and write, and trip over myself, and, at times, recover even stronger than before.  

That being said, I've been reading a new book, 'The Life of Pi', by Yann Martel.

It's pretty profound.  At least in my life at the moment. 

I haven't even finished the first of the 3 parts, but it is really poignant.  

Incidentally, I finished 'East of Eden', and am trying to find a way to articulate my feelings about that book.  I'm not sure I can.  Needless to say, I think you should all read it.  

Anyway, upon reflecting about 'the situation' that occurred on the blog-diggity, I came upon a passage that touched me deeply in 'Life of Pi'.  {And, for those of you who are interested, I have thought about THE POST often over the last week or so.  It will stay with me for awhile, I'm sure.  For many, many reasons.}

I will share the passage with you:

"I'll be honest about it.  It's not atheists who get stuck in my craw, but agnostics.  Doubt is useful for awhile.  We must all pass through the garden of Gethsemane.  If Christ played with doubt, so must we.  If Christ spent  an anguished night in prayer, if He burst out from the Cross, 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?' then surely we are also permitted doubt.  But we must move on.  To choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation."

For me, it's the 'But we must move on.' that is quite haunting.  We must move on.  Whatever you choose to lay your faith in.  We must move on from doubt.  Decide what it is we believe in, and stay the course.  Faith.  Belief not based in proof.  Heart over head.  Nature over culture.  

I'm hoping sooner is the time for me to shake off my conflicts about my own faith and spirtiuality.  Because in all honesty, it's giving me a headache.