21 October 2009

Honesty, as requested, by a certain someone.

We all have a plan for ourselves.  For our life. 

When there is a kink in the plan, it stinks. 

But, that's life.  It's unpredictable. 

I know this, you know this.  Anyone who doesn't... is a turd.

Here's the deal, though, when a kink, a sizable kink, happens to you, it's hard to swallow.  It's tough to accept, even when the rational side of your brains says, "Simmer down, kinks are to be expected."

Kinks change you.  Even when you don't want them to.  Even when you fought your hardest to not let them weild their poisin. 

In the aftermath of Betsy's diagnosis/prognosis, I went through the normal sadness.  Then I dusted it off, and went into proactive mode.  In hindsight, I think I only got my stuff together for her and anything concerning her.  I really let everything else go down the crapper. 

After almost 5 years,  I thought I was okay.  I was in a place of acceptance and positivity.  And, in a lot of ways I still am.  If it was just Betsy and me, it would be a cakewalk.  The problem is that there is more to consider.  3 other kids. A husband. A family.  Somewhere along the line, I haven't considered them enough. 

Jake and I are bickering over the stupidest things, the kids are always yelling at each other, the boys are fighting more than usual.  The energy in our home is gray, and I'm really trying to keep it from fading into black.  I mean, I certainly wouldn't want to be around us right now, so, I can't expect other people to want to. 

I wake up every morning and tell myself that today is the day to turn it around.  To right the wrongs, to repair the damage.  But, 2-3 hours into the day, and it all goes amuck. 

I don't want you all to think it's all Nanny 9-1-1 around here or anything, but it's not far off.  I'm using my maternal radar and have spotted a small blip on the screen and want to take it out before it becomes a massive bleep.  I would really like to avoid Supernanny, at all costs. 

I love my family.  

Seeing that sentence, it just doesn't seem like enough.  I would sacrifice myself for my children and their happiness.  I am crazy about my husband, he is truly my soulmate.  So, what happened?  How did we become a group of people that just live together and, occasionally, feel like a family?  We may smile as we walk past each other, make friendly bantar, we still eat dinner together nightly, and sometimes, in brief moments find ourselves just being.  Together.  As it should be, and as it used to be all the time.  But, it's NOT like it used to be.  At least, not as often as it should be. 

I am to blame.  I firmly believe that the mother is the glue of the family.  "When momma ain't happy, ain't no one happy"  is the most truthful little tidbit around.  Remember that. 

I know that we will overcome.  We are strong like that.  Grebes Rule!  Everyone has rough patches.  I never thought I'd encounter one like this at 31, but then, there's that whole kink thing, ya know?

I have the utmost admiration for families who have been through worse and made it; trauma, terminal spousal or childhood illness, or, heaven help them, loss of a child or spouse.  I now know why divorce rate is so high among families who encounter major kinks.  In our own situation with having a child with special needs, the divorce rate is twice as high.  With it already being 41% for first marriages in the US (that is staggering), I refuse, REFUSE, to be included in  the 82% failure rate for couples like Jake and I.  NOT an option. 

Incidentally, this post was VERY difficult for me to write (through clydesdale sized tears), but therapeutic, and much needed.  I hope it dispells any and all thoughts by anyone who thinks that things are always peachy-keen around here, or that I PRETEND that they are perfect.  Either way you slice, things are not. 

Despite all of it, I am very pleased with all that God has graciously given me.  I am blessed over and over in ways too numerous to count.  And, my situational sadness aside, I am generally content.  Does that make sense?  I am happy with who my children are, and happy that, even in difficulty, I have Jake to lean on.  I am happy to have the parents and sister that I have, and grateful for the in-laws that I have, too. 

I just need a little work.  And, with all the support I can muster, from my family, from you, and mostly, from God, I will be reinstated to who I was before.  Before I let the kink change me.  I am amazed that even now, people look to me for advice and solice.  It is encouraging and helpful to have that.  To know that I am not a complete wash up.  That I still have sense AND sensibility. 

I have to always remember that God's plans transcends any we have for ourselves.


  1. Beautiful Beth!!! I'm sending you GIANT hugs and loads of prayers!!! and you are right...we ALL have "kinks"..."tough times NEVER last BUT people do!" and I'm just one of the many who are living proof!
    Hang in there friend! I just know God has something special in store!
    Many Blessings!

  2. Beautiful words, Beth! It's so true, we all have "kinks" and times when we look around and say "wtf? How did I get HERE??" But I believe the true testament of our strength, character, and will, is how we iron out those kinks, and move on to smoother surfaces. You have much love in your life, which is kind of like your ironing board. And trust me, I definitely know how crucial it is to have a sturdy ironing board when you're trying you hardest to iron out those kinks! You are an amazing woman and a true inspiration! God has brought you the life he has, the husband, the children, and the family, because he knows that not only will they love you absolutely, but also that you have enough love in you heart for each and every one of them....and then some. ;-)


  3. If you didn't go through rough times it wouldn't be life, right? I try to think of the tough patches of times to learn...for example perhaps God is using this time as a way to show your children how to resolve conflict, how to stick together as a family, how families love each other unconditionally.
    Hugs and prayers your way as you navigate towards a brighter spot!

  4. i love this post....thank you for being real. today i was driving home and i heard a sermon on the radio...the pastor...i don't know who...was saying that, as believers, we should expect roadblocks, frustrations, etc. he said that if we are close to the target, we get enemy fire....i loved that statement. it encourages me that what feels so awful is a sign of His work in my life....a refining time. i think all mamas feel the way you do...i did this week. our job is tough...but, we can trust Christ to get us through minute to minute.
    much love from indiana

  5. Your writing is so eloquent. I don't know if it helps, but you're not alone in your feelings. My husband and I recently went through a kink. I didn't know if we'd be able to iron it out, but because he is such a stellar person and amazing companion, we were able to come out the other end. All I know is that God's ways are truly mysterious, and that if we rely on him, these kinks just may be the building blocks for something more miraculous than we could even imagine. In the meantime, I hope you can find that peace and joy within yourself and your family -- you deserve it!

    Have you ever read "The Peacegiver: How christ Offers to Heal Our Hearts and Homes" by James L Ferrell?

    I read that when I was single, and it actually changed me, my perspective, everything. I think of its concepts almost every single day.


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