5 minutes ago
21 October 2009
We all have a plan for ourselves. For our life.
When there is a kink in the plan, it stinks.
But, that's life. It's unpredictable.
I know this, you know this. Anyone who doesn't... is a turd.
Here's the deal, though, when a kink, a sizable kink, happens to you, it's hard to swallow. It's tough to accept, even when the rational side of your brains says, "Simmer down, kinks are to be expected."
Kinks change you. Even when you don't want them to. Even when you fought your hardest to not let them weild their poisin.
In the aftermath of Betsy's diagnosis/prognosis, I went through the normal sadness. Then I dusted it off, and went into proactive mode. In hindsight, I think I only got my stuff together for her and anything concerning her. I really let everything else go down the crapper.
After almost 5 years, I thought I was okay. I was in a place of acceptance and positivity. And, in a lot of ways I still am. If it was just Betsy and me, it would be a cakewalk. The problem is that there is more to consider. 3 other kids. A husband. A family. Somewhere along the line, I haven't considered them enough.
Jake and I are bickering over the stupidest things, the kids are always yelling at each other, the boys are fighting more than usual. The energy in our home is gray, and I'm really trying to keep it from fading into black. I mean, I certainly wouldn't want to be around us right now, so, I can't expect other people to want to.
I wake up every morning and tell myself that today is the day to turn it around. To right the wrongs, to repair the damage. But, 2-3 hours into the day, and it all goes amuck.
I don't want you all to think it's all Nanny 9-1-1 around here or anything, but it's not far off. I'm using my maternal radar and have spotted a small blip on the screen and want to take it out before it becomes a massive bleep. I would really like to avoid Supernanny, at all costs.
I love my family.
Seeing that sentence, it just doesn't seem like enough. I would sacrifice myself for my children and their happiness. I am crazy about my husband, he is truly my soulmate. So, what happened? How did we become a group of people that just live together and, occasionally, feel like a family? We may smile as we walk past each other, make friendly bantar, we still eat dinner together nightly, and sometimes, in brief moments find ourselves just being. Together. As it should be, and as it used to be all the time. But, it's NOT like it used to be. At least, not as often as it should be.
I am to blame. I firmly believe that the mother is the glue of the family. "When momma ain't happy, ain't no one happy" is the most truthful little tidbit around. Remember that.
I know that we will overcome. We are strong like that. Grebes Rule! Everyone has rough patches. I never thought I'd encounter one like this at 31, but then, there's that whole kink thing, ya know?
I have the utmost admiration for families who have been through worse and made it; trauma, terminal spousal or childhood illness, or, heaven help them, loss of a child or spouse. I now know why divorce rate is so high among families who encounter major kinks. In our own situation with having a child with special needs, the divorce rate is twice as high. With it already being 41% for first marriages in the US (that is staggering), I refuse, REFUSE, to be included in the 82% failure rate for couples like Jake and I. NOT an option.
Incidentally, this post was VERY difficult for me to write (through clydesdale sized tears), but therapeutic, and much needed. I hope it dispells any and all thoughts by anyone who thinks that things are always peachy-keen around here, or that I PRETEND that they are perfect. Either way you slice, things are not.
Despite all of it, I am very pleased with all that God has graciously given me. I am blessed over and over in ways too numerous to count. And, my situational sadness aside, I am generally content. Does that make sense? I am happy with who my children are, and happy that, even in difficulty, I have Jake to lean on. I am happy to have the parents and sister that I have, and grateful for the in-laws that I have, too.
I just need a little work. And, with all the support I can muster, from my family, from you, and mostly, from God, I will be reinstated to who I was before. Before I let the kink change me. I am amazed that even now, people look to me for advice and solice. It is encouraging and helpful to have that. To know that I am not a complete wash up. That I still have sense AND sensibility.
I have to always remember that God's plans transcends any we have for ourselves.