Just when I thought I 'got it', I couldn't have been more wrong.
Really.
I'm referring to my faith. My spiritual journey.
If you are new around here, this may come as a surprise. If not, you are certainly aware of my struggles.
I like to think that I represent the common {wo}man. A Christian that is a Christian because...well, what else would I be?
Make no mistake...I've never been one to be complacent about my spirituality. I've always investigated, read, researched. Other faiths have always especially intrigued me. Maybe it's the scholar in me. Maybe it's just plain curiosity. Maybe it's wanting to understand just how much most of our beliefs have so many of the same fundamentals.
Who knows?
For whatever reason, I was at a point that I was satisfied with my Christianity {more specifically, Catholicism}.
Almost smug in the fact that I was one step ahead. I 'got it'. Church on Sunday, a bit of light scripture reading, prayers of gratitude at night, or prayers for help & guidance when things were hard. God was on my side, and that was something that not everyone really understood. But I wasn't one of 'those' people. No, sir.
Recently, I have been 'uninspired' to say the least concerning my spiritual growth. It plateaued for lack of a better explanation. Never reverting, but certainly never reaching towards grace. Never glorifying this God that was responsible for all of my many blessings. Just continuing on the same way, everyday.
On a whim, my family and I attended church with my sister and her lot on Easter. It's a different church. A church my old school Catholic mom & dad were less than thrilled about her attending.
But, she's been there for about 2 years.
And she talks about it. She more often than not seems inspired by the sermons. Her kids love it. Her borderline agnostic husband is now a believer. I've witnessed with my own 2 eyes this church's message work its way into the hearts of several of my extended family members.
That message?
It couldn't be simpler...the Bible.
No smoke & mirrors. No snake charmers, no one speaking in toungues. No 'write your check and we'll promise miracles for you & yours'.
Needless to say, we've gone every week since.
Let me clarify...this isn't about 'church'. This isn't about checking that box off of our 'to do' list week after week.
For me, it's about finding those 'aha' moments within my faith. The times where even for a just a fraction of a moment, I am unwavering. Everything clicks. I am filled with a lightness that can not be duplicated with any other earthly endeavor.
And what I realized, no matter how difficult it was for me to understand, is that God is there, but you have to seek Him out. You have to do the work. YOU have to SEEK Him. NOT the other way around.
How full of myself I've been all of these years. How arrogant to think that the God that made the Heavens and the Earth would go out of his way to seek ME out in a deliberate way to have a relationship with Him. It's foolish, really. Any human relationship requires work, why would a relationship of a divine nature be any different? If not harder to develop?
I've heard this analogy before...an adult plays hide and seek with a young child. The adult hides under the bed, but with their legs hanging out from underneath the bed frame. The child sees those legs no doubt, but may have had to walk around the house a bit before they made their discovery. The child is comforted in the fact that those legs sticking out meant the adult was there all along, but is also pleased that he 'found' him or her.
The presence of God is always there looming over us. Accessible. Available. Just not always obvious. Does that confuse the heck out of you? Hope not.
When I think about it...it makes me sad. During the most difficult time in my life {to date}, I thought I was carried along by God. And He was there, of course, somewhere. But I didn't look. I just assumed. I never cried out for His help. I never poured myself out to Him.
I wonder how much different the experience with Betsy in those early years would have been if I'd tried to do those things. I was grateful just to wake up each day, and meet my kids' needs. If I had had a deepened relationship with the Boss maybe I could've found joy in small things when it was so, so hard just to make it until bedtime.
He is eminent to be sure, but we have to ask him into our lives.
I have so much work to do. I don't think I'm ready to testify after only a month. That almost seems laughable to me right now. And, the truth is...I may never be.
But I take comfort in knowing that I'm on the path. There are days I feel like that path has no end, or it is full of too many roadblocks to bother. In just four weeks, I have had more days than not, that I think it's not worth it. Maybe I'm not worth it. But, one tiny thing will change that. A passage from scripture {of which I've never really read, not like I do now, anyway}, Rosie riding her bike with no training wheels, Pete helping Betsy off of the bus, Jake helping to clear the dinner table without being asked. That's God's work. I like to think I had a hand in it, but it all goes back to Him.
I hope some of you aren't balking at the fact that I/we Christians cling to an empty promise. I certainly don't take offense to your personal beliefs. And, not to get all Donald Miller on you, I also apologize if you've had any negative experiences with people carrying messages of hate who claim to be a Christian. That is a shame.
Jesus's message was love. Charity, outreach, forgiveness. No matter your skin color, beliefs, actions, unlawfulness. In all honesty, it doesn't get much more liberal than that. And every single person on the planet deserves those things. Every last one.
And you doubters, the unfaithful...you may be right. Maybe.
But, I've never been the gambling type, and I'm not willing to take that chance. And so my faith stays in tact. My heart believes it ALL to be true.
And for that...I am pleased.
