14 May 2010

On perception & insight.

I have always had a pretty firm grip on how others may perceive me.

Even when I was younger.

Despite that wonderful gift, I have always had difficulty changing my naughty ways.

I mean, I'm not a horrible person or anything, just hopelessly flawed.

Isn't everyone?

Here's what I know about myself:
  1. I am a control freak.  For better or worse.  Sometimes better, sometimes worse.  It's just the way I am.  Isn't there medication for that?  Part of my controlling is because I want things to be just so, and the other part is because I really just want to help people.  I love it...helping people, not having things just so.
  2. I am often times viewed as bitchy.  Here's my theory; I have certain standards.  That isn't a bad thing, really.  When judgement is used properly it can be a wonderful thing.  I could whip out 2 Bible versus that say use good, discerning judgement, for every one that says don't judge.  Example, "By all means, use your judgement, and hold onto whatever is good." 1 Thessalonians 5:21, or "Why don't you judge for yourselves what is right?" Luke 12:57.  I just like to surround myself with good people.  People that I see redeeming qualities in; good mothers & fathers, positive role models, people who see the goodness in me, loyal, nurturing, funny.  People who I can have an equally reciprocated relationship with.  It may not be even-Stevens all the time, but at the end of a life, you like to look back and say that you both learned from each other.  You could rely on one another.  When one is weak, the other is strong. 
  3. I like to gossip.  There I said it.  I'm not vindictive, just curious.  I'm nosy, not mean spirited.  I don't use it to purposely hurt people.  I'm trying to teach myself that curiosity killed the cat, and quite frankly, at the end of the day, gossip gets you nowhere.  And, I don't get any personal growth for having heard it or shared it. So, why is it so darned satisfying?  I think, sometimes, it makes my life seem so normal, and normal is good.  The theory that it could always be worse.  Here's my pickle:  I KNOW it could be worse without having to hear first or second or third hand accounts of how.  This is a work in progress.
  4. I'm shy.  Yes, it's true.  Sometimes, painfully so.  Because of my shyness, I do one of 2 things; overcompensate and act all loud and goofy, or sit in a corner and laugh politely here and there.  Ironically, I do NOT like to be the center of attention.  At all.  But because of one of my compensation techniques, it appears I do.  It's my way of forcing myself into a social situation, acquired many years ago when climbing social ladders was of utmost importance, which, now, I could care less about.  All too often, it backfires.  Again, a work in progress, I guess.  Old habits die hard.
  5. I'm incredibly honest.  This is both good and bad.  Over the years, I've encountered many people who, although they asked for my truthfulness, couldn't handle it.  Sadly, those relationships ended.  Many of my friends and family have come to rely on my honesty.  They know I won't beat around the bush, and I'll give it to them straight.  Reciprocally, I expect the same thing from my relationships.  I'm a tough cookie, and I can handle it.  Really.  I don't think a lot would surprise me. 
  6. Despite the shyness, I am confident.  I know my self-worth.  I don't let myself get walked on or abused or manipulated.  I have no room for that in my life.  I am a good judge of character, and so this hasn't really been a problem.  Because of that, I've generally tended to avoid these kinds of issues. 
  7. Once you get past my seemingly snotty, controlling, OCD exterior {which doesn't take nearly as long as it might appear}, lies a very loyal, loving, supportive, faithful interior.  Even though I like to 'coffee talk', I can take a secret to the grave.  My heart is full, and my eyes are open.  I love to show people a good time, and like it when everyone is laughing.  I'm happiest sitting at home with my posse watching Disney{okay, HGTV}, and just hangin'.  I take my commitments very seriously.  Most importantly, I'm happy.  I have had much sadness in the past 5 years, but despite all of it, I've never felt more secure or content.  I have a deepened relationship with God because of these hurdles, and a renewed spirit. 
Basically, I'm too old to be interested in who doesn't like me, because I have enough good people that do. 

Is that so wrong?

I think not.


  1. Beth, awesome post today. I love hearing all of your tidbits of your personality! I think you're a great mom & wife.

  2. Great post. You are an awesome writer. Thanks for sharing your writing with the bloggy world :-)


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