25 January 2010

The narcissistic blogger...that's me!

I stumbled upon this book the other day.  I am thinking about ordering it. 

I've been thinking a lot about narcissism, lately.  I've been pondering the idea that blogging is quite a narcissistic act.  Thanks to the movie 'Julie & Julia', (the big arguement scene between Julie and her husband). 

Which led me to think about how narcissism isn't necessarily a BAD thing.  If exhibited in moderation. 

Shall I explain?


Yes, our society has definitely seen an unhealthy inflation of the self-image, even to the point of sinfull pride, destroying families and relationships.  The 'me, me, me' sydrome.  'I deserve it', 'I'm entitled to it', 'I work hard, so I should be able to get it'.  I've heard it all, I've seen it all. 

Mothers who put themselves and their own entertaining endeavors above everyone else, including their children, fathers who are more interested in feeding their already inflated egos rather than spending time with their families, people running amuck only worried about their own gratification and desires, never thinking about consequences. 

But, that's not me.

I blog.  I guess that makes me narcissistic...to a degree.  Actually, let's not beat around the bush.  It DOES make me narcissistic. 

One portion of my life is self-involved.  A tiny part.  It started as a means to get a grip on a life that I found to be suddenly very out of control.  To organize my thoughts, reach out to others like me.  NEVER to toot my own horn. 

Has it evolved into something else?


Should I feel ashamed?


Here's why...

For 10-20 minutes of my 24 hour day I think what I have to say, or share is pretty great.  Important, even.  A craft project, a political opinion, an accomplishment of my children, feeling sad or happy.  No one has to read it or like it or care.  But, I think it's pretty darn fabulous. 

I don't buy myself a lot of things, maybe a couple of shirts and a pair of jeans a year or a couple of pairs of shorts in the summer (the 75% off Target rack is my favorite resource), and only after the kids are outfitted.  I waited, patiently, for 5 years (until they could be reasonably paid for) for a laptop, cable TV, and a camera.  I don't drive a fancy car, just a van that's paid off.  I don't 'go out' a lot.  I don't get my hair or nails done.   I rarely go out to eat.  I never feel entitled to a vacation.  I don't take the easy way out.  And, I firmly believe that you should work your tail off for the life you want. 

In real life, I'm self-conscious of my height (but, I do stand up straight, always stand up straight).  I never thought I was super attractive or funny.  I'm shy.  Yes, I'm shy.  I think I'm an 'okay' mother, wife, and friend.  I could always do better and be better.  ALWAYS!  I'm a pretty terrible Catholic Christian woman.  I never seem to measure up in that department, no matter how hard I try.  I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut at times.  But, mostly, in REAL life, I don't think I'm super fantastic.  I hurt people's feelings sometimes, burn the pot roast occasionally, more than once have lost my patience with my kids, and love some harmless gossip over coffee.  Just a woman trying to make it in this sad, broken world.

But, under the blanket of the internet, I'm a bit more immodest.  Less insecure.  Sure, even here, like in real life, I make mistakes. Say or write things that, although I may stand behind 100%, in hindsight could have been articulated better.  I am only human, afterall.  But, in my blogging adventure, I have come to have a new appreciation for myself, and what I DO have to offer the world.   In my quest to become the person people perceive me to be on the blog, I have become a better mother, wife, and friend.  Even if it's just a little.  I bounce back quicker from sad or bad times.  I feel happier, and am more thankful than ever for everything gracious God has entrusted me with. 

If that makes me narcissistic,

well, then,

guilty as charged.

1 comment:

  1. I struggle with this very thing... especially when people think that I am awesome. Because I am super not awesome. It is easy to blog the pretty and mostly I do because in 10 years I most likely will have forgotten the ugly. So I strive to be as real as possible, to use my little parking spot on the interwebz for good. I am thankful for your 10-20 minutes that you take to share with us. Because I think you are awesome.


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