peas and eggs?

**WARNING to Mom & Jill: you may not want to read this!***

This is the longest time in almost nine years that I have gone without being pregnant. The longest time I have gone without even trying to get pregnant. The longest time that I have gone without having to prepare for a birth, recover from a birth, or to breastfeed. And, for all intents and purposes, I will never be pregnant again. I did something that I shouldn't have done after Rosie was born. Immediately after. I had my tubes tied. I am now sterile, and unable to bring more life into the world. At least, without serious help from modern science.

I am really very lucky and blessed. I was able to have 4 incredible children. They were all conceived easily and without much effort. We would want a baby, we got pregnant, I gave birth, we brought the baby home. Repeat. Repeat. With the exception of Rosie. There was a bit more effort with her. We tried for about 9 months when I finally conceived, only to miscarry 10 weeks later. Another 6-7 weeks after that, we made our lil' Ro with the help of a low dose of clomid, but still, no biggy. Like I said, blessed!

So, why on God's green Earth would I want to have more? I certainly can't answer that. I wish I could. Jake wants more, too. In fact, he didn't want me to get a tubal. If I remember correctly, his mantra that morning was, "Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure?". I often think that if my tubes weren't tied, I would have already been pregnant by now. Who knows?

There are a gagillion reasons why we shouldn't...space, money, stress, etc. But, the way I see it, another little guy or gal cancels all of those stupid reasons out. I will go back to work which helps the money issue. Our house may be small, but we have a few things up our sleeve to help there, including saving for a move in the next several years, and I've always suffered from stress, even sans kids. I can safely say that with each child I learn to balance more, and let go more.

I know this sounds like my case to convince the world, particularly, my parents and my sister, but it's really not. I take care of my own, and in the end, it's really no one's business other than, Jake's and mine. We pay our bills, have nice things, go on vacations, have a nice, clean, warm home, we don't have debt or car payments, we don't go "clubbin'", do drugs, or drink excessively. Our kids are all "normal", relatively speaking, and we've even survived life after Betsy's prognosis.

The thing is, I've always thought that I would have 5-6 kiddos. I just don't feel "done". Which I'm sure is because of my preconceived notion of what my ideal family would be. Darn it! There's that mind over matter crap! But, that little issue of doneness remains. Some people want lots of money, fancy cars and clothes, exotic lifestyles. Me? Call me Octomom 2. (With many stark differences. Priorities being one.) What to do, what to do?!

I don't know how any of this will play out. I'm not sure anything, if at all, will come of it. But, I assure you there is maternal unrest, that I simply cannot shake, brewing in my woman parts.

Sorry you had to suffer through that!